Friends are friends forever?

I know you have heard that song before, at least you have if you are over the age of 25. Friends are friends forever the song says, the question mark is something I added. I added it because I really do question that. I wish I could say that I have had the same friends forever, but I most certainly have not. Every time I think I have found one of those forever friends they seem to vacate as soon as they are done getting what they need for me.

So far in my life I have found one exception to the rule. We seem to go through catastrophes in turns and we are there for each other. I really wish we were able to live closer together but the visitation situations with our kids make that impossible. And I think I may have found TWO more friends like that too. One friend is going through the same things I am, listens to me and I listen to her and our kids are great together. The other, well, we just seem to click around each other.

Steel Magnolias was on TV last night. For whatever reason that movie always comes on when I need it to- and those are the only times I have watched it! It even came on at 6 am the day I had my son and needed a way to pass the time. What movie comes on at 6 am? Last night's showing really made me think of friends. That seems obvious because it really is a girlfriend story but for me, that had never really sunk in. Last night it did. And I started getting a little sad because I automatically think I don't have friends like that. But then I really thought about it. I realized I am probably the M'Lynn or even Truvy. Then I definitely have two Clairee's and a Truvy. I guess that means I still need to take applications for a Ouiser and a -oh what is Daryl Hannah's characters name? but otherwise I have the best group of friends I have ever had right now. I wished we could see each other as much as the women in the movie did, but who in real life really can?

Now, are friends friends forever? I don't know- ask me in 30 years!

The Boogie Man!

My Boogie Man, aka my son, is home after being gone for about three days. He has been home for less than 24 hours and still he has said/done things so great that I have to immortalize them!
1. +2+2+2 I love you (he had told me loved me to the moon and back 48 times and I said I love him that much +2- this was his response. It sounded so sweet coming out of 4 year old lips!)
2. This morning, no matter how much I tell him someone else is making us lunch today, he keeps telling me if it is going to be good it has to be made by me.
3. This morning he came in and climbed up to hug me. As we were laying there snuggling, one of our kittes walked up and laid on his back. So it was me, Boogie, and the kitty. It was so sweet and utterly adorable.
4. He is doing this little chant right now, because he found out that Daddy is going with us today as opposed to working, that is complete joy. You can just hear the happiness coming out of him.
5. Last night, while watching a show on TV, he treated me like a jungle gym. He pulled a blanket up over his head and crawled all over me. Then I noticed he had slowed down, almost totally stopped. I listened in close and discovered that he was snoring! Just the dark had put him out!
6. I woke him up after enjoying that for about an hour and told him to go to bed. He said something incomprehensible and then obeyed in his sleep. It warmed my aching heart.

There are so many more to include but I am so pressed for time that they are escaping me. I hope I remember more of them for tonight. For now, suffice it to say, that my Boogie is being the sweetest boy EVER! I love it!

Where did the chimney come from? I don't have a fireplace!

I haven't posted a blog in a few days. The last few nights I have thought, as I laid down, that I should have blogged. And then I would convince myself that I didn't need to blog because I don't really have any readers. If I had been totally honest with myself I would have just told myself that I might regret what I would have said over the last few days. You see, my life blew up this week. I don't mean it blew up in size, I mean it blew up from massive amounts of explosives. And it blew up when I had no warning.

Those life blow ups seem to come in different levels. They remind me of natural disasters. There are hurricane types of blow ups. Those are the ones that you see coming for weeks, but are unable to stop. You could run and avoid some of the pain, but doing that means you leave behind your life. These blow ups are super painful and the fact that you saw them coming never fully prepares you for what you go through. The warning is great though because you did have time to circle the wagons, so to speak. Then there are the tornado blow ups. You have a little bit of alert that it is on it's way but it is never enough to do much more than throw your arms up over your head. You might be able to grab a bit of what will help you the most but other than that, watch out! Finally, you have earthquake blow ups. They hit with no warning whatsoever. They hit you where and when you least expect. You are just walking down the street, thinking the world is bright and shiny when- boom, a chimney drops on your head. Sometimes these blow ups don't look so big to the outside world, but the fact that you had no chance to prepare put a magnifier on your feelings. (For anyone wondering about the chimney thing let me explain. I lived in Charleston in my childhood which is, believe it or not, on a fault line. It isn't very active but a long time ago, according to my elemenary teacher, when it shifted and an earthquake occured everyone ran outside. And then they died from thier chimneys falling on their heads.)

This weeks blowup was an earthquake. It shook me to the core. And I felt like I had no where to turn to handle all the pain from that blasted falling chimney. I tried to turn to my friends and family. And the family turned on me. They were more concerned with burying the chimney than they were in building a new chimney or fixing my head wound. I suppose we all have our priorities but, to me, this seems so utterly stupid a way to prioritize that I know I can not involve those people in my life anymore. I mean, who wants people in their lives who would be more concerned about the possible puke involved than in administering the Heimlich? Just sayin'...

I am still shaken. I am shaken to my core. But I am finding out that the fault line I was living on is trying to close. The fault line is trying to become more stable. And so I will keep my house built upon this line. I will put my faith in God's ability to hold that fault together. And I will pray every day that next time my life blows up, it reminds me more of a gentle drizzle.

Don't go breakin' my heart

Today started out like many other days for me. I did some dishes. I worked on some school lessons with my son. I had lunch. I picked up- and then I discovered that I had been lied to again. I hate being lied to more than just about anything else. And I had been lied to horribly and in a heart breaking way. When I confronted the offender the lies continued until the evidence showed that the truth had to come out. Imagine, continuing to lie when you know you are getting busted. And then the apologies started. "I'm so sorry" uttered over and over again. And then the ever present it's all your fault type of talk. But you know what? It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything to make that lie escape those lips. In fact, I tend to forgive much more than I should and so there was no way a lie was required to cover up that weakness.

I am struggling now. I am struggling with wondering what to do about that. How many times do you place yourself in a position to be hurt? When Jesus was asked how many times you should forgive me said something along the lines of 70 times 7. Really he was just saying that we should forgive and forgive and then when we can't forgive anymore we forgive again. And so I will. I will forgive the lies I discovered today. But... I have to draw a line with staying in the situation to be lied to and hurt again.

And I have to say I am who I am. I can not be any better a person than I am today for the sake of making this one person not lie to me. Does that make sense? I can't struggle and fight every day to be the ideal just so that perhaps they will value me enough to not lie to me. I just can't. And so, if being less than ideal isn't good enough- well let me know. Just please- don't go breakin' my heart!

I'm dreaming of Europe

Little People, Big World has taken to the rails, in Europe. If I had never watched the show before, I would now, just to see a little bit of the amazing things there are to see there. I am pretty well assured of little chance of going myself. Every penny we have goes towards our kids, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. But when I dream, when those moments of selfishness lead me astray, I dream of Europe. I don't want to live there, I just want to visit for a season. No really, a whole season. I want to see all of the tourist things there are to see, and all of the things other people don't think of. I want to actually see everything I studied in Art History when we covered Europe. I want to try all the different foods. And I don't want to do it in a hurry. I want to linger over each experience.

But alas, not only will that never happen, but even if I were to get to go to Europe I feel assured that I would never get to linger over things. Tonight's episodes really reminded me that lingering can not be done with a child in tow- and the kid that was the problem in the episode is somewhere around 12! My son is 4- no way would he want to climb the stairs to the top of the Duomo, or consider the works of the Louvre. So I stick with watching shows of other people enjoying all that foreign travel has to offer. Me, I will just stick to dreaming and spending my money of snapshots instead of passport pictures.

Ciao!

Eggshells

Ahh- so I had a big long post all written out and then I read it. It was fine. It said exactly what I meant for it to say. But I had to worry that it would deeply offend someone in my life, despite it not being about that person at all. And because I am sick today, and just don't feel like possibly dealing with the hysterics, I deleted all that I had written. Now really, why did I have to do that? I am all for being gentle with people when gentility is warranted, but why should any of us have to avoid entire areas of discussion just because someone else might read them all wrong? It just feels crazy!

I don't have the energy to come up with a new subject and write out all my feelings about said subject. And, since I have been in bed all day, I don't have much of anything to report about my day. So I suppose I will end this by saying I love Nyquil and my doting husband!

Roller Coasters

I love roller coasters. They are thrilling, extreme. One minute you are steadily climbing up a ramp, securely fastened in to your seat and the next minute you are diving, nay hurtling down through the air with you heart in your throat. Just when you can see the bottom your head gets thrown to one side or the other as the seemingly safe car jerks you around a wicked curve. You straighten up and prepare for the loops you can see coming up but don't realize there is an unexpected dip before you get to that loop and that dip makes you unprepared for the loop. Just when you have your bearings together and feel like you hope the crazy ride won't end, it ends. And then you have to wait in line for it to start all over again.

But what if I hated roller coasters? What if I were dragged along for each ride? What if the wait in line were filled with dread instead of excitement? What if I could never get used to the jerks and the dips and the loops? You often hear people compare a bad day to riding a roller coaster. For someone like me, someone who loves riding roller coasters, that doesn't make very much sense. But being a parent and a wife, boy have I figured it out. I no longer make the decision as to what ride I get on. I am drug along to whatever ride my loves have in store for me. They usually choose what my day will entail. Sometimes it is a great ride. Sometimes every minute just gets better and better. Sometimes it is a death spiral of a ride, a ride I don't want to go on. But I can't kick and scream. I can't demand they allow me off that ride. When they take me along the dips of bad attitude, the loops of whining and the jerks of anger, I have to just hold on tight and hope the next ride is better. Whenever I loose that wisp of hope, I, myself, cause some pretty nasty bits of track for my loved ones. And I hate doing that more than I hate those bad rides.

Now that I have beat that metaphor to death let me be blunt. All of this is foremost in my mind because today was one of those days I don't really want to repeat. It had it's good moments and it's bad moments... but most of all, it switched between the two with lightning speed. I think I may have a little emotional whiplash. And you know what? I really, really need to remember that tomorrow can be different from today. Hopefully, it will be. Hopefully, it will be one of those days where I worry no day can ever be so great again. Hopefully...

What is too personal?

Anyone here a fan of House? Did you see that episode where the patient blogs about everything in her life? I was one of those few people who actually said, "Good for you, girl! Don't hide things!" but then most people don't seem to agree. Most people hide behind a large mask. They run around sporting facades for the world.

You know the best part about their masks and facades? It is that they suddenly get uncomfortable when they run across someone like me who doesn't hide behind a mask. They don't know what to do about a person who is honest and upfront. How do you respond to someone who actually answers when you ask, "how are you?" I mean yikes- I can see the surprise on people's face when I answer that with something concrete. Why are we trained to answer, "fine" when we aren't? Honestly, how many days are just fine? Most of the time I am so much more than fine. I am great, frustrated, outstanding, blessed, worried, hurting, lonely or even tired. Rarely am I just fine. What a boring answer. But, oh goodness, the panic at an answer other than fine. Answering something other than fine encourages an actual conversation. It might mean you could get to know someone. Ahhhh- scary!

Obviously, I know exactly how I feel about glossing over things in real life. But now I have entered a new realm- blogging. Should my thoughts be held more tightly since they will be available to any person with a computer or even access to an Internet cafe? Should I be even more blatant about things since it is in the relative anonymity of the web? Can I just apply the same rules as in life? If you watched that episode of House you know that eventually it came down to the girls feces and that was one thing she didn't blog about. Even she had a line. By the way, I can definitely understand that line!

So tell me, dear friends, what is too personal?

Ohhhh- it's my first time!

At this ripe old age, there aren't many times I get to say that anymore! I mean, really, I am pushing 30 now. I am caught between young and old, between inexperienced and wise. Consequently, when I find something I have never really done before, well, it sort of thrills me. Blogging may not be the biggest thing ever, but it is something.

Now, why on Earth am I starting a blog? I don't have any incredible things going on in my life right this minute. I have a dear friend who has a blog that talks about her adoption journey (here shortly I will get to make that plural!) I follow a blog about a girl who is stepping out in faith in Africa. Boy, is she stepping out. She is 20 with 14 girls who now call her mommy! I know of blogs about struggles with cancer or AIDS. None of those things apply to me. My life is really very boring compared to all those people.

You know what isn't boring? My brain! When I was a kid I was diagnosed as A.D.D. and my brain hasn't slowed down one iota in old age! I am a wisenheimer (whoa- I had to pull out an archaic word to avoid a PG-13 rating!) who noticed really odd things. I talk to strangers and tend to get them to really talk back!

Really, the point of this is for people to get to know my family, to get to know me. My family all lives rather far away and they always have. Now seems as good as time as any for them to experience my days. And, hey, if I run into a few old friends along the way- all the better!